These week the conversation is about me as well as those of you who believe or believed that the failure of your marriage was solely the fault and responsibility of your partner.
You put the blame squarely on their shoulders and held them accountable while all the time thinking you did everything right.
I’m here today to call bullshit, but let me be 100% clear, this episode does not address the situation of abuse. As abusive relationship are outside of the scope of my experience and therefore, I am not qualified to address blame under those circumstances. My heart bleeds for people caught up in abusive and violent relationships.
But let’s turn our attention to me and my marriage as I hope this blog will bring some clarity to those in the process of divorce and are looking for options to repair the damage or those who have gone through their divorce and are on their path to healing and moving on.
As I have mentioned in previous blogs, writing has become very therapeutic for me and has allowed me to take a deeper perspective on what really transpired during my 31 year marriage. Let me be very clear though and say that none of this reflection has made me question or doubt my decision to initiate and complete the divorce.
The reality is that our likes and dislikes were so completely different that we lost any type of physical or emotional connection and we were simply going through the motions every day.
Now, this is where reflection comes in and where I assume more responsibility for the failure of our marriage than I had admitted or understood previously.
The simple truth is I avoided conflict, I avoided difficult conversations, hell, even today I try to avoid difficult conversations but having lived through those the painful lessons, I now force myself to have those conversations. It’s a huge shift for me to have these conversations and I know that if I don’t manage them properly they can result in very anxious moments, failure to work through issues and let frustration to fester.
This notion of evading difficult conversations and blame keeps coming back to the fact that I don’t want to upset others at my own expense. I keep telling myself to suck it up because I know the other person is also dealing with conflict and issues and I don’t want to add the burden.
Here’s the reality, it’s my fault to making the assumption that the other person is somehow weak and can’t deal with what I want or need to say. That must stop and honest and open dialogue needs to happen.
I am digressing from my story of blame, so let’s get back on track.
Time after time a situation would arise during my marriage where I would get so frustrated and upset because I had to do something with no support from my ex or at times even my kids.
It was at those exact moments that I should have opened my mouth and said something, but I didn’t, I just sucked it up, did whatever I needed to do and let the frustration and anger build up.
And I would just tell myself that it was ok, I would just do whatever needed to be done and always come up with the rational why no one stepped up to help.
Well, here is the reality, after time those excuses turn into resentment, but that resentment isn’t justified because you never told your partner you were upset with them.
Holding back your emotions, your true feelings and your frustrations without communicating that to your partner knowing how you feel, unfairly holds them in a negative light without them being able to react and potentially defend their actions.
I will say that there were times when my frustration built up and I did express how I was feeling, often however, that resulted in my ex doing something begrudgingly and that did nothing to resolve the problem.
To give you an example, part of the my Sunday morning chores was to do laundry, ever Sunday morning I would bring up at least two baskets of clean clothes to be folder and put away. 9 out of 10 times, my ex would be on the couch watching TV while I was finishing the laundry.
From time to time, I would say something to her and she would come over and help but you could see it in her eyes and her expression that was annoyed that I asked her to help.
In the end, I just felt it wasn’t worth the uncomfortable tension so I just stopped saying anything.
This was a perfect example of blaming my ex for not stepping up and helping out when she should have.
But let’s take a look at an alternative solution to the situation, what if, my ex and I sat down and listed out all the chores that needed to happen each week, we divided up the list with each of us assuming responsibility for our portion of the list.
In this situation, there would be clear communication, clear division of work and expectations of what needed to be complete rather than one person taking on the work and having all that pent up anger.
If you are going to blame someone, make sure it really is justified and that you have done all you could to properly address the situation.
In my case, my ex’s lack of effort, responsibility, and partnership led me to lose respect for her and once you lose respect, it is extremely difficult to earn that back.
That lack of respect then translated into me ending up blaming her for everything including the ultimate failure of our marriage.
In hindsight however, I now realize that I need to accept some of the blame for the failure of the marriage because I was unwilling to deal with the perceived disrespect and her overall lazy attitude, I would always tell people that I shouldn’t have to tell her to do things, she had watched me do things for years and should have just known.
But what if I took the time to help her understand why it’s important for her to do more around the house, how its important for the boys to see their parents as partners who share roles and responsibilities.
But I never had those conversations, instead, I said the hell with it, I’ll just do it myself.
So what are the impacts of my actions, well, its lead to issues in my current relationship, you see, having had to do everything for so long has distorted my ability to share responsibilities.
When we are done with dinner, I immediately clean the table and start to do the dishes, my girlfriend will tell me to just sit on the couch and relax. This is so completely opposite that I have issues letting go and saying ok.
It is now a constant learning exercise for me to let my girlfriend so thing, like set the table, do the dishes, make dinner or make the bed in the morning.
My unwillingness to share responsibilities led to tension and frustration early on in our relationship and I had to learn to step back and let her do things.
It’s truly a blessing to be with someone who wants to share tasks and do things for me.
While playing games can be fun, the blame game is destructive and can have irreparable consequences.
I’m not saying that there aren’t events where blame is justified, I’m simply saying don’t blame others when they may not even understand or be aware of why the blame is being directed at them.
What it comes down to is communication, talk and talk and talk more, be honest, have the difficult conversations with the intention of fixing the problems.
The conversations may not save the relationship but at least you know you did all you could.
Fight, fight like hell for what you want and what may be missing in your life as you and only you can change what you have.
Be brave, be strong, be resilient, and grateful.
Until next time, I wish you peace, joy, and prosperity.