For so long, I felt so lost, simply going through the motions and trying to get through each day knowing that tomorrow wasn’t going to be any better.
And yet, I allowed myself to fall into despair simply because I was too afraid of what would happen if I said what was on my mind, or took the chance I should have taken, or reached out for the help I needed on so many levels.
I talk often about not focusing on the past and not allowing regret to blur your mind of what is important in order to move forward.
Rediscovering yourself is HARD, and for so many, requires professional help to dig deep into your mind to figure out the why and the steps required to move forward.
While I certainly don’t have all the answers, I do feel fortunate that I was able to figure out so many of the reasons that resulted in me losing my identity.
I am helping a friend work through the process of filling for divorce and I am using my personal struggles as a guide for hopefully bringing clarity to her in making her decision as to whether to move forward or not. I keep reinforcing that she and only she can make that incredibly difficult decision.
During our conversations, we talk about the times we would attend the same parties and unbeknownst to me, how people would comment on how lost I seemed to be and how apparent it was that I was not the same person I used to be.
When you are in that moment however, you don’t realize the mindset you are in and therefore are unable to break the cycle.
It is only when you experience major shift in your life that you realize the trauma you have experienced and can begin the process of shifting your mind and becoming the person you were meant to be.
This then raises two very important questions, first, how do you transition back to the person you used to be and second, and even more important, is the person you used to be the same person you want to be now?
For me the answer is a combination of both, there is the side of me that I’m proud of, the caring, loving, giving person who is committed and devoted to my family and friends.
But then there is the side of me I didn’t like and still don’t like, the passive, uncommitted person who didn’t always follow through and allowed myself to make bad decisions simply because I didn’t want to disappoint others.
The challenge then becomes how do you take what was good, recognize what was detrimental and formulate a new perspective that allows you to define the new and improved you.
First and foremost, you have to be candid with yourself and accept and be willing to change your flaws.
Remember, this is your chance to redefine who you are, who you want to be, not only for yourself but for those around you.
Whether you want to be or not, you are an influencer to others and how you handle yourself will reflect upon them. What image do you want to portray? How do you want others to perceive you?
No matter their age, you are a role model for your children and how you handle situations, especially those situations associated with divorce will be reflected upon, for me, it is critical that they see a father who is still committed to helping their mother in any way that doesn’t adversely impact my relationship with my girlfriend, yes, this can be an incredibly slippery slope.
In my case, I want to be able to look in the mirror and see the person who loves his family beyond words, who, a person who focuses on and prioritizes the woman who changed his life forever.
This is so key to me and deserves special attention because as our relationship grew, on several occasions, I put the feelings of my ex in front of the feelings of my girlfriend. I took my girlfriends feelings for granted and only through her love, compassion, and understanding did we get through those really difficult times.
But each of these situations taught me very valuable lessons that have resulted in me reprioritizing what and who is truly important in my life and who deserves my undivided love and attention.
For so long, I tried to make everyone happy and in the end, no one was really happy with who I was.
I’ve learned to accept that really hard discussions/conversations are just that really hard but need to be had. For so long I avoided those conversations because I was scared, weak, unwilling to hurt others, when in fact, the person I was hurting the most was myself.
This journey of transformation will challenge you and will call into doubt your willingness to accept your flaws and commit to changing them in order for you to live your best life. It’s in these moments of self-doubt and reflection that you need to decide who you want to be.
As you work on this transformation, you will need to adjust, as often you will tend to resort back to your old ways and that’s ok, just make sure your recognition of these steps back are addressed and you continue to move forward.
Remember that your past is just that, your past and it can and will be changed as to continue to build that new incredible you.
Fight, fight like hell for what you want and what may be missing in your life as you and only you can change what you have.
I realize 2021 has gotten off to a really shitty start but 2021 also brings with it so many possibilities.
Be brave, be strong, be resilient, and grateful.
Until next time, I wish you peace, joy, and prosperity.